Hedge Funds

Seen at AllNighter...thanks!

Consulting Paradise

The life of a hardcore consultant can be a hassle...

How the markets really work

John Bird and John Fortune on the latest financial market issues: subprime credits and its consequences. Simply hilarious...

A letter to a bank's shareholders

Dear shareholder,

We would like to take this opportunity to provide you an update of the recent trading performance of the firm.

As you may already know, the overall market conditions, both on the debt and equity side have been rather challenging of late. We take this opportunity to explain to you, our fellow shareholder, the firm’s exposure to this market environment as well as the active steps your management team is taking to ensure your investment continues to deliver the high returns you expect.

Over the past twelve months, we have taken active steps to augment shareholder returns and deliver greater returns on your invested capital. We have identified strong growth areas in the market of alternative investments (hedge funds, private equity, etc) as well as augmented our business practices and divisions with strong exposure to these.

Click here for more.

Finance Professional Games

So, getting ready for an "exciting" conference call with a client?

Step one:
Prepare a four by four square, randomly filling each cell with one of the below phrases / words.

synergy
accretive
pitch
bottom line
revisit
double check
margin expansion
24/7
scrubbed
benchmarking
value-added
aggressive
premium
impressive growth
market
leverage

Step two:
Tick off each block when one of the phrases is mentioned

Step three:
When you have ticked off four boxes in a row, column or diagonally, stand up, bang your fist on the table and shout "BULLSHIT!"

i-Bank Rock

Ok, here's a little musical note. As an investment banker who from time to time meets some normal people (non investment bankers and even when I'm really lucky, those strange people that don't work in finance ! :), I always get told that all investment bankers listen to is long out of fashion 80's music and techno. Well I'm here to prove them all wring with...er...welll, Elvis!

(Sung to the tune of Jailhouse Rock)

The analysts were parting in the 12th floor jail,
The cleaning staff were there and they began to wail,
The print room folks were jumpin’ and the joint began to swing,
You should’ve heard those knocked out banking monkeys sing.

Lets pitch, everybody, lets pitch
Everybody in IBD
Pitch so Rupert can get rich.

Associate 2 said to analyst 3,
You’re the cutest banker chick I ever did see,
I sure would be delighted with your company,
Come on and do this mega pitchbook with me.

Lets pitch, everybody, lets pitch
Everybody in IBD
Pitch so Rupert can get rich.

The summer intern was a sittin’ like a block of stone,
Modelling on his keyboard in his cubicle alone,
His associate threw his presentation marked in red,
‘N yelled boy if it don’t balance you gonna wish you were dead!

Lets pitch, everybody, lets pitch
Everybody in IBD
Pitch so Rupert can get rich.

The balance sheet was off and the intern started to cry,
He tried to trace the problem and on the second try,
The spredsheet started reffing at a quarter to twelve,
He knew it would be an allnighter for this pitch from hell.

Lets pitch, everybody, lets pitch
Everybody in IBD
Pitch so Rupert can get rich.

On investment banking and being serious

It's an absolute pleasure to wake up one day, open your inbox, and hey presto - you have an invitation to contribute to Ronald's financial blog. This is a very nice courtesy and an honour (both of which are not in the vocabulary of an investment banker). As an investment banker myself, I have been told by friends in other professional circles that the customary thing here would be to say something called "thank you", but once again, I am not familiar with the meaning of that term (although I have heard it used outside the office quite a lot - must be a fashion of some kind).

It is truly symptomatic of people in finance to be extremely good at what we do, and to follow good advice. Good advice for centuries has been that one should stick to one's knitting, so investment bankers stick to what they're good at, work, work and work. And voilá, you have the 100 hour week and the concept of the all nighter. In recognition of the fact that as an investment banker I have no intention of breaking with tradition, and continuing with what I am good at (work), I will be posting about work - the funny side of work - and hoping to make you, my fellow financiers laugh.

Enjoy the All Nighter and thank you for the opportunity to post!